Her suicide attempt 1989 when I wanted a divorce

When we got back to Sweden from Spain she attempted (or faked) suicide since I insisted that we should get a divorce. This is her suicide note to the children that she left on the nightstand. The original is written in Spanish with her own handwriting.

Alexander and Stefan

My dear children

Someday I hope that this letter will make you understand me.

I can't ask you to forgive me for abandoning you this way, I don't even know if you will remember me when you are old enough to understand these words.

I love you with all my soul, all my life just as I love him, your father.

It's not his fault, it's been mine.

I left him and came back.

But I couldn't make him understand my love. I've not been able to reestablish the confidence he had in me, he will never know.

I think that what I'm doing is the best I can do for all of you.

He knows how to take good care of you, give you his love and mine.

I don't want you to ever forget who you are, where you come from and that you are made out of love, the love of you're father and mine.
That love that I alone have destroyed because of my egoism.
That love that was lost by my fault and will never come back, no matter how much I try.
He does not believe me. I have hurt him to much.
But I beg you for God, this God that I don't even know if exist, I beg you that you believe me. I have tried. My dear children, I love you so much.

I'm not afraid of dying, that way I will end so many thing. But I'm worried about you.

You have to take good care of your father and give him all your love and understand him when he gets angry sometimes. Daddy is so strong that he seems hard sometimes, but he loves you more than anything in this world and he will know how to make you happy.

When you remember me sometimes, please don't hate me, please be strong.

I know that I don't leave you much but hope you will have the memory of all my kisses and hugs.

Today I would like to have slept with you, have you in my arms and touch your hair. But if I do I will loose that little strength I got. I've chosen the easiest solution, and the most coward.

Please always love me, Mom
August 20, 1989
 
 

This is how she explained the "suicide attempt" in the deposition 96-01-10.

I wonder if her lawyer gave her directions how she should explain herself.

THE WITNESS: I don't want to talk about this, but I know I have to. It's just that I need to relax for a minute.

MS WOLD: Can you take a few minutes to think about that then.
(They left for the bathroom for a few minutes)

A. Okay, when-----

MS WOLD: It is all right.

MR OUSKY: Take as much time as you need. I don't want to rush you.

A. I'm sorry, I don't like crying.

Q. Don't worry about it.

A. My makeup goes all over the place.

MS WOLD: Take your time.

A. Okay. 1989, three days before I tried to commit suicide, my husband raped me twice.

Q. I assume then some kind of force was used.

A. Yeah.

Q. I realize this is difficult, but was there any kind of weapon involved.

A. No.

Q. When you say he raped you, you refused sexual contact and he insisted on it?

A. Yeah.

Q. Did you make any attemt to escape.

A. Yes.

Q. And are you saying that he physically kept you from escaping?

A. Yes.

Q. By use of his arms just by being stronger than you.

A. Yes.

Q. Did you report that to anyone.

A. No.

Q. Was that the only time that that's occured in your relationship?

A. Yeah.

Q. The two times, was it within a week or--

A. It was the same day.

Q. Okay. Do you have any idea what would have led to this occurring on one particular day and not at any other time?

A. Yes.

Q. What was that?

A. We were trying to work our our problems, and about a month before he had taken off and left me in Sweden, again with no money, but this time he had taken the children away with him. I flew to Spain finally because a friend let me borrow some money for a one-way ticket. He took my airplane ticket with him, too, so --- and my passport. So I finally made it to Spain after about a week and when I got there my mother was very worried about was was going to happen to the children. She is a very devoted Catholic and, you know, Catholics and divorce or separations don't match together very well. I guess one of the reasons why I've been waiting all this time to take this step. But she was very concerned and all she wanted was for us to solve it, you know, to get back together, to try to work hard. And my mother was at the time sick with cancer and I didn't want to upset her or anything like that so I just decided, okay, well, maybe this is marriage, you know, maybe you do have problems and you solve them and you just keep on and maybe there will be better times. So we kind of got back together. We went back together to Sweden. My brother came with because my mother wasn't sure --- she was afraid of what Axel could do. And she saw me helpless and alone in Sweden and --.

MS. WOLD: Do you want to ask some specific questions?

MR OUSKY: Well, I can here, but she's actually in the direction of what I wanted in terms of a description.

Q. Just so I understand, I'm trying to -- I guess the question was what you believed led to and caused this to occur on that particular day and not on any other time and I think you're getting to that, I assume.

A. We had been to Sweden for about a week. He was Ok in Spain. As soon as we got on the plane back to Sweden, he was pushing me around, he was drinking heavily, he was acting in a way that I did not consider proper, especially if we were trying to work our differences out. A week after we got to Sweden, my brother was still with us in our home and he was out that night. And I wanted to bring up again with him that, you know, why are you drinking so much, let's work this--- let's talk. Axel's problem is that he doesn't talk, he does not commuicate. He holds everything inside him. And so after I explained to him, okay, we're going to give this another try, let's just, you know, let's start by talking to each other. We have to talk. We have to come to some kind of agreement. And he just looked at me and he said, I don't need to talk because I own you. And I said, well, I don't agree with that, basically. And he looked at me with a very strange glare in his eye and he said, do you want me to prove how I own you?

Q. Okay. Did you report this to the counselor that you saw shortley after that?

A. No.

Q. Is there anything else that you didn't remeber or didn't put in your November petition that you have now since thought about?

A. Several other times when he cut me off the bank account again. I'm used to him doing that. I should have gotten smart by now and had my own account, but marriage is a partnership, I suppose, for some people. Besides that, nothing really, just ---